Why do I do this to myself.

What am I doing with my life? I genuinely feel so crappy. Its like I spend three days building myself up and getting really positive and happy about myself and life and I get this 'Fuck yeah I'm fucking amazing! Life's fucking amazing,' attitude and then you go and do something like that and everything I've been working towards VANISHES like tissue paper in boiling water. that's actually a pretty good analogy of my life. A piece of coloured tissue paper in a bowl of boiling water. First the colour bleeds out and then it just disintigrates into nothingness. 

I feel like its one rule for him and another for me? He can sit and type away childish spiteful little insults all day every day but the second I put something, it could be the mildest, most pathetic little thing, and it's like let the shit storm roll.

I genuinely wish I could sit down with someone I trust, like utterly completely trust with my life and just blurt out everything. Everything that's happened to me since January. Everything I've been put through. But there's a few problems with that little bubble.. A) there isn't anybody I trust that way. B) to blurt everything would be illegal. C) I wouldn't know where to start.

One day, soon I hope, I'll be able to actually write what happened down. I'm not saying I'll run around shouting it from the hills and wearing it on a badge or tattooed onto my forehead. But I'd like to be able to say it out loud with out crying, y'know.