How many times do we have to go over this?

I'm going to make this very simple. Get over me.

oh fuckfuckfuckfuck

I'm am the biggest twat in the history  of the world. last night, I made the great  mistake of telling the boy I like, let's call him Ben, that he didn't know me.... now, this would have been fine if Ben was a run of the mill, everyday boy... but he's not. He said "tell me what need to know?" the conversation that followed was horrible and I gave him a very brief summary of what happened between the evil ex boyfriend and I. He took it amazingly! We then went on to talk about rugby and cuddling and I went to bed rather happy with myself and now I'm severely doubting if things Went as  well as I seem to think they did. We haven't spoken since last night and I'm worried now he's had a glimpse at the inside of my head he won't  want me any more. To be completely honest I'm not sure if he liked me anyway but grrrr now I might not find out...

argh

So today I had a conversation with the boy I like. And I had to explain why I didn't want to explain how not right I am. I know, it doesn't  make sense at all. I now have to make a decision... do I explain that I am Fifty Shades of Fucked Up of do I sit and carry on with this show?

This is for you.

Okay. Firstly I know you're reading this and you need to stop. I understand that you've got some crazy obsession with me that causes you to go through my twitter and read this. I get it. You're severely unhinged. but this constant need for attention is absolutely childish. Get over yourself. I'm over you. Get it? I'M OVER YOU. So do us both a favour and stop being so needy and desperate. I don't know; read a book, write a song, buy a parakeet but stop stalking me because I've had enough. I'm sick of my friends having to watch you tweet about me. Okay. Got it? 

Oh and while you're at it; brush your teeth.

Boys Boys Boys

Today I realised how irritated I am. Or at least, how irritating my brain is. I literally have so much shit going on in my head right now I do not have the time, space or energy to be dealing with the weird mushy mess of feelings I have right now.
I've had two serious boyfriends in my entire life and a few complete rebound/mistakes. The first was a total pezdazo de mierda and the second was far too immature. The point I'm trying to make is that I have really bad taste in boys and let me tell you they're usually the neediest little fuckers going. But who is this boy. He doesn't treat me like I'm some broken woman that will shatter if anyone even looks at me wrong! He's nice. You have no idea how long its been since I found someone nice. He smiles at me like a normal human being, it's not full of pity and sorrow. It's a genuine smile. But I don't know the first thing about myself any more. I wouldn't like me. Why would he

Why do I do this to myself.

What am I doing with my life? I genuinely feel so crappy. Its like I spend three days building myself up and getting really positive and happy about myself and life and I get this 'Fuck yeah I'm fucking amazing! Life's fucking amazing,' attitude and then you go and do something like that and everything I've been working towards VANISHES like tissue paper in boiling water. that's actually a pretty good analogy of my life. A piece of coloured tissue paper in a bowl of boiling water. First the colour bleeds out and then it just disintigrates into nothingness. 

I feel like its one rule for him and another for me? He can sit and type away childish spiteful little insults all day every day but the second I put something, it could be the mildest, most pathetic little thing, and it's like let the shit storm roll.

I genuinely wish I could sit down with someone I trust, like utterly completely trust with my life and just blurt out everything. Everything that's happened to me since January. Everything I've been put through. But there's a few problems with that little bubble.. A) there isn't anybody I trust that way. B) to blurt everything would be illegal. C) I wouldn't know where to start.

One day, soon I hope, I'll be able to actually write what happened down. I'm not saying I'll run around shouting it from the hills and wearing it on a badge or tattooed onto my forehead. But I'd like to be able to say it out loud with out crying, y'know. 

Hypocrites.

So for this I'm going to change the names of people because I don't want anyone too feel like I've shared their life on the internet. Okay so, there's a girl in my form, lets call her Sophie. A rumour started about Sophie, I wont go into details because its quite vulgar. Sophie was really angry at everyone in my form for going along with this rumour and she felt offended. I thought by the end of the day all the harsh comments and spitefulness would have stopped. People continued. You know, that's something that will never cease to baffle me. Why every fucking person is so fucking bad to each other, every single day! I really don't understand it. It's something you will always be able to count upon; people screwing each other over. Anyway, when we were all getting changed for PE three or four girls carried on being spiteful and rude and I mostly just ignored it. 
After the PE lesson we all went to get changed again and Sophie (who has just herself experienced how horrible it is to be ridiculed) started the rumour (name change) Grace is having a maths party. 
Honestly. 
So now there's five of six girls shouting 'Grace is having a maths party.'
I wanted to weep for humankind. 

I just don't understand why people do this! Also, when on Twitter, Facebook, BBM and other sites girls (mostly) sit and type paragraph after paragraph about 'society' telling them what to wear, how to act, how to dress, what weight they should be ect. and then go into school the next day and sit there and take the mick out of what another girl is wearing or how she looks. Hate to break it to ya love but people like you are what make up society. 

So yeah, I think that's rant over, just please, anyone reading this, try and smile at people and not to judge? 

The Redhead Annie x